Whenever it comes time to lob some criticism in the direction of Bill Simmons (aka The Sports Guy, The Boston Sports Guy, The Guy Bloggers Love To Crap All Over), I feel this irresistible urge to trot out my standard disclaimer – that I appreciate what he’s done for sports writing, his unique perspective, and that I believe most bloggers have it out for him out of sheer jealousy. Which is a lot like saying someone is a real jerk and then immediately following it up with “I don’t mean that in a bad way”… Except that maybe I’m leaning a bit more to the dark side these days, because the most recent column from Simmons has plenty of grist for my personal mill. So why waste time on a disclaimer that no one really cares about, least of all Simmons? After all, he seems to think that, despite sharing some common primitive DNA, most bloggers are only slightly higher up the food chain than Bill Lambeer or a syphilis germ. Enough with disclaimers – let’s dive in.
After a brief explanation comparing his online chats at espn.com with speed chess, he drops this bit of knowledge…
Now here’s why I rarely do chats anymore: Under speed chess conditions, it becomes exceedingly possible that either (A) I might say something inappropriate, (B) I might infuriate my bosses in some way or (C) I might argue a point incorrectly without realizing it until later. On Friday, I made a mistake comparing the 2010 Tiger Woods to the 1970 Muhammad Ali, saying Tiger’s comeback would be much tougher because “everyone under 35 was rooting for Ali.” Total hyperbole that never would have happened had I spent more time thinking about it. More importantly, I botched a quality point that could have made for an interesting column.
The first point is somewhat bogus, unless he’s taking a thinly-veiled shot at his bosses at the four-letter. Back in college, I managed to successfully make it through thousands of hours on the radio without letting a curse slip – and this was at a time in my life when swearing was like breathing to me. Once you recognize a boundary and how serious it is, you can naturally train yourself not to go there. I think it’s more of a dig at the people who just suspended Tony Kornheiser by implying that with an employer as anal-retentive as ESPN, anything can become “inappropriate”, which leads into the second bogus point and the continuation of the dig. Don’t think Simmons would take shots at his bosses in print? Obviously you haven’t followed his tantrums in the past.
The third point? Completely understandable – as a writer, you never want to waste an idea that could be developed into something more meaningful. It’s like the time I drank an entire bottle of red wine at a friend’s house over the course of an evening before finding out it was something like an $80 bottle of vino – it is wasteful and stupid. Then again, I did enjoy that wine and my only regret was not noticing just how good it was – which probably says more about me than it does about Simmons, but still…
Which leads us to the bottom of the column where The Sports Guy says “I probably shouldn’t do chats anymore — not because I screwed up but because it’s dumb to waste points better served in a larger format such as this column”. Sounds like an offhand comment, right? Except for the fact TSG is the only Page 2 contributor whose articles don’t allow comments. In fact, he’s one of only two writers on the 4-Letter whose columns don’t allow comments. The other one is their other prized pet, Rick Reilly, who is probably the only writer employed by Bristol who can compete with Simmons when it comes to salary – but even in his case, there’s a clear link to send him feedback through a form, whereas for Simmons you need to conduct some sort of seance to reach him in the netherregions of suburban Los Angeles by meditating over an old Larry Bird edition box of Wheaties while wearing a game-worn Dave Henderson jock strap on your head.
The bottomline? As much as Simmons wants everyone to believe he’s just another fan like you and me, he has absolutely no interest in really communicating with us unless it’s a forum where he can have the final word.
Is this wrong? I don’t think it is. If you happen to think I’m wrong, then I’d advise you to spend 30 minutes reading the various little screeds left by 4-Letter commenters – or until your eyeballs begin to leak blood and then burst into flames in their sockets, whichever comes first. There are some hideously ignorant people out there with internet connections, and I’m not here to judge whether or not they should have a forum to spout their particular brand of idiocy, I’m just saying it wouldn’t be my first choice to converse with them on a full-time basis either.
But the fact remains that Simmons is now thisclose to becoming some sort Howard Hughes figure, locked in his home office and peeing in a series of milk bottles.
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